The Dark Side of Relationships
by myrrh fae
Summary: New: Plot. Wherein Cloud must come out of the closet, Leon must see a psychologist for his relationship problems, and Hercules must...? LeonXCloud
1. Default Chapter

Warning: Implications. Yaoi.

Disclaimer: None of it.

This was for a challenge. But I got too lazy to give this. Oh, well. Please read and review!

The Dark Side of Relationships

One

His eyes narrowed at Leon. His eyebrows met together in the middle. His nose wrinkled. His mouth set in a straight line. His shoulders hunched. His knuckles whitened from holding on to the edge of the table. His left eye began to twitch.

"Curse you, ramen-stealer. Curse you."

Leon raised one perfectly shaped eyebrow. And continued to slurp the free meal.

Two

"Aaaugh!"

"Fuck! What the hell are you doing! And watch where you're swinging that damn thing!"

"Shit! Shit! Ooh, shit! Leoooon! It's moving! Kill it!"

"...It's a mouse."

Three

"You are such a neat freak."

A glare directed at the blonde.

"Shut up."

The blonde grinned. He pushed a chair to the ground.

Twitch.

Grin.

Twitch.

Grin.

"Put that damn thing back or no sex for a week!"

Four

_Plink._

The elegant bishop piece had just cornered the king.

Twitch.

"Aaugh!" Leon slammed his fists on the table and began to throw the chess pieces at the blonde.

"Ow!"

Five

A gasp.

"Leon, get out!"

A very naked Cloud began to throw his shampoo bottles at Leon.

"Ow. Ow. OW!"

Six

Cloud stopped. He turned around.

"You are such a stalker."

Leon scowled.

Seven

Leon closed the door and locked it. He looked around carefully. He strode to the window and closed the drapes. He looked around again.

He walked to the closet and opened it. Hundreds upon hundreds of pictures of Cloud decorated the inner walls of the closet. Not only that, but other little stuff that belonged to Cloud were put on pedestals.

He grinned. Maniacally.

He put the stolen shampoo bottle on an empty pedestal.

He took out a notebook hidden in the disturbing closet. He opened it at a page. He wrote.

"Cloud's waist is the perfect match for the ."  


Eight

"...Ugh...ngh...mmm..."

"..."

"...ugh...uh...nnn..."

"That sounds so nasty."

"Shut up! Asshole...Bet you're enjoying my pain, aren't you?"

"Well, excuse me, Mr. Dumb-ass! It's not my freaking fault you didn't check the expiration date on that milk carton!"

"Cloud? Just shut up..."


	2. Two

Disclaimer: None of it is mine! 

Warning: Words and words.

Thank you for the reviews! I love you reviewers! I worship you! This is all for you! This chapter is dedicated to all you wonderful reviewers:

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Intro: As we all know, getting into a relationship requires a lot of things. Trust, fidelity, and all that crap. Moreover, with relationship comes a whole load of problems. Many of you, dear readers, have probably already been in a relationship and know the hardships that one must face from their prospective partners. We'll try to tackle them one by one in the following chapters after this one. Any suggestions and info will be well received. Especially info about Cloud and Leon. Jealous ex's and so forth are also welcome to come forward. As well as, any perverted secrets you kept in your black little book.

For the moment, enjoy these:

One

(In battle)

"YOU CRAZY SICK FUCKS! You fuckin' _dare _touch my Cloud! You dare! Bastards! Die!!!"

Woah.

Two:

(Going for a summer vacation to the beach)

"No. I'm going to drive. The last time you drove blah, blah, blah." This was Leon ranting his head off.

This was Cloud giving him the come-hither look.

Leon promptly forgets everything else.

Three:

(Going to the beach)

"Aaaaugh!"

"YOU BASTARD! Get off the road! Stop hogging it!"

Leon is clutching the sides of his seat with eyes wide open.

"Look out for that perso—"

The aforementioned person jumps off the road, as Cloud will not slow down nor swerve around the poor pedestrian.

"YOU ROAD-HOGGERS! Stop fuckin' being so slow!"

"STOP! I WANNA GET OFF! I wanna live!"

Cloud calmly answers. "No time." Then he does a threatening u-turn that causes sparks to jump underneath the tires.

"Fuck, I missed the exit."

Four:

"No."

Leon glared at Cloud.

Cloud stopped his window shopping and stared at him.

"We will not go out for ramen tonight."

Cloud stared at him devastated. This was time for desperate measures. Arsenal number 301: puppy eyes look.

Leon twitched.

"No. We've had it for five straight days. I'm sick and tired of it."

Arsenal number 298: whining.

"But you can try other flavors! Miso, chicken, beef, shrimp, heck even crab!"

Leon covers his ears.

"No. I have explored every flavor available and I don't think I'll be able to stomach it."

Arsenal number 194: come-hither look.

But Leon had already closed his eyes. "I'm not falling for that again."

Cloud sulked.

Arsenal number 54: bodily movement.

He pounced on Leon and, as the technique says, began to bodily move Leon. Ah, but 'tis foolishness as Cloud is more slender and has less body weight than the brute...er...brunette.

Leon smirked.

Arsenal number 3: cry.

Cloud then promptly burst into tears.

Leon looked around wildly.

Everyone in the street was looking at them. They were muttering. Some were looking with pity at the blonde. Many, however, were looking angrily at Leon for making someone cry. Leon did get a bad rap.

A few were already making there way over to them to give their indignant speeches about abusing one's own boyfriend.

"Fuck! All right, all right, we'll have ramen! Just stop!"

Cloud immediately stopped. He could, after all, cry on cue. Even blush at will.

Five:

Evidently, Cloud could not hold his liquor. As Leon considered this, he knew he should not have allowed the blonde anywhere near the alehouse.

However, as he carefully sifted through his thoughts, only one thing came to mind.

Lap dance. Cloud. IN HIS LAP.

Yes. He should let the blonde near alehouses. Empty, locked alehouses full of sextoys. And full of liquor.

Yeeeees.

Six:

Snoring, the single most irritating habit of one's own partner. Cloud stared darkly at the wall. Snoring... Loud, nose-plugging snores.

He had read ways of stopping this loathsome...thing. Suffocating said person, pinching their cheeks, throwing pillows at person, rolling person off bed, rolling person off cliff...That sort of thing.

"Zzzz—gggkkkth..."

He slid the rope back into his pockets and closed his eyes happily. Finally.

Seven:

Leon was still unfortunately alive. He stared at the wall darkly. Snoring. No matter, what the blonde said, he knew he did not snore.

But Cloud did.

Well, fine. It was more of a soft breathing than a snore. But it still irritated him to no end.

The fact was...whenever Cloud snored or breathed, he got horny. Now, he wouldn't be able to sleep.

His hand began to creep up the said blonde's thigh. The blonde's very white thigh.

Which was slapped away.

Cloud was very tired and grumpy after the alehouse incident. And very, very sore.

Leon was still horny.

As Leon assessed the situation, there were two options. Seduce Cloud or fix it himself.

There was no hesitation in this decision. Cloud must get up. (Hahaha, stupid pun.)

It was time for Leon to bring out his own arsenal. Chocolate...

Cloud was not very happy about this. But, ooh, it's chocolate and strawberry...

You should know what happens next.


	3. The Pitfall Of Denial

Disclaimer: Shalom, hallellem, shalom, hallellem.

Warning: Cussing and a whole lot of innuendos.

Again, my thanks to the reviewers! I love you guys. Seriously.

Alesca Munroe: Whoa! Are you British?

Clueless97: We love disturbing!

Terra Rain: High-five! I'm also an inconsistent gamer. And awww, I love you too.

A.S. Annik: Hey, ya think I should make it a three-partner relationship?

Gabriel of Dreams-Yume Chan: And I shall give you!

Promise: Hehehehe. Laugh with me!

Ranma Higurashi: And here is the update ya wanted!

Cross My Heart: Yippee! This is sexy. How?

Yeah, this story will finally have some sort of plot. And if it doesn't suit me, just tell me in the reviews and I'll drop the whole plot thing. Since, yeah, I have no grasp on the plot…thing.

And new pairings: Aeris and Yuffie. Hercules and Cloud…Which is a one-sided thing. I think.

Tadaa.

Hey. I'm turning punk. I keep saying 'yeah' and 'thing'.

The Very First Chapter: The Pitfall of Denial

"Face it, honey. You're gay."

Cloud pouted at Aeris.

He was so not gay. Okay, maybe he did check out other guys, but that was because…uh…he liked their clothes. Yeah, that's it. He definitely liked their clothes. Yup. Clothes. He was into clothes. He was.

Aeris watched her friend sink further into denial.

She gave a sigh of frustration. She had been suckered into making Cloud come out of the closet. Damn Yuffie and her manipulative ways.

Then a man walked by dressed in leather. Aeris' eyes followed him. She grinned.

"Hey, Cloud. Look. Hot, isn't he?"

Distracted, Cloud looked up. He perked up. (Again, funny pun.)

"Yeah. Looks sexy in leather."

The man stopped, obviously having heard the conversation. He turned around and stared at them incredulously.

Cloud blushed. Curses. He was caught.

Aeris grinned at him.

"I'm not gay. Just…uh…I'm a fashion consultant!"

Aeris cursed. Damn it all, the blonde was still denying everything.

The man raised an eyebrow. He turned and went on.

Their eyes followed him. Very hot ass.

"Um…miss? You're Orgasm," said the waiter handing her the cake, effectively destroying the mood for hunting. Cloud snickered at the name.

Aeris rolled her eyes. "You are so immature."

Cloud snatched the cake before she got to it. He shook his head at her, "Nu-uh, girlfriend. Remember? Diet."

Aeris scowled at him.



Whap!

The scantily dressed woman then turned and stomped to the door.

"Dude, that chic just slapped you," said Cid, ever the obvious one.

Leon huffed. Hmph. Women.

"…I mean, just smacked you right in the face right in front of the whole frickin' restaurant…" rambled Cid on.

Leon ignored him.

Bang! A scantily dressed man walked in, slamming the door, and charged over to their table.

Leon cursed.

Slap!

The man hmphed and said to the crowd staring, "Goddamn cheating bastard." With his nose in the air, he angrily sauntered back outside.

Leon huffed again. Men.

Cid stared after the retreating back. "Dude, that dude just bitch-slapped you…" and on and on.

Leon considered strangling his friend. No. He needed the blonde to pay for the food.



The man's jaw fell down. Again.

Cloud had just flashed his red thong. His tight shirt had ridden up while he was enjoying his Orgasm.

The man whose name was Hercules was slightly offended by this. He was a very conventional man and he insisted the fact that men shouldn't wear female's clothing. But…Hades, why was it so hot in here?



Leon's cheek was throbbing. He'd been given an ice pack and he was trying to soothe his pain with it.

Apparently, five angry lovers slapping the same man was not uncommon in the restaurant, as the waiter had not even raised an eyebrow.

But then, Leon ate here.

Cid rolled his eyes at Leon. "You whore."

Leon scowled at him.



Cloud was wearing a shirt that said, "Fuck me."

It was typed in large red letters at the back and had an arrow pointing downwards.

Cloud does not know this. Aeris had shoved it on him and he hadn't been able to look at it properly.

He does know that everyone had been staring at him. Was he that sexy? Purr.

And he knows that he is still a very straight man. Really.

Damn, this Orgasm was really good.



Aeris was desperate to get Cloud a boyfriend. It wasn't healthy repressing himself. Besides, Yuffie had promised her something. And she was desperate to get that something.

That was why she had forced the blonde to wear the "Fuck me" shirt. Hopefully someone would. Someone male.

Then she could get the damn tape, give it to Yuffie, and then get that something. That something had sounded so promising. Rarr.

She began to fantasize about Yuffie. Ooh. Crotchless thong. Wooh!

Meanwhile, Cloud was enjoying the Orgasm. Very much.



"Dude, stop checking the blonde out."

Without looking from his view, Leon whapped his friend on the back.

"Fuck, that hurts!"



Aeris jolted herself from any more fantasy when a woman slipped money into the blonde's thong.

The "Fuck me" shirt was working…Especially with the red thong.

Aeris was glad she made the blonde wear both.

People, left and right, had started to slip money into his thong. There were some who'd slipped in pieces of paper with their number on it.

And the blonde was too blissful with his Orgasm to really notice. Or he probably didn't care and was preening under the attention.

It was probably the latter.



Oh, hell yeah. Cloud was becoming very rich. And he really was that sexy.

But he was still straight.



Hercules stood up and walked to the door. He passed by the blissful blonde and tried to discretely slip his number into the thong. He'd seen others do the same. He was determined to do it as well.

It failed.


End file.
